He's Still Workin' on Me...

Warning: This is a longun!

Do ya'll remember that kid's song "He's Still Workin' On Me"? You know....He's still workin' on me. To make me who I ought to be. It took Him just a week to make the sun and the moon, the Earth and the stars and Jupiter and Mars. But He's still workin' on me. That, my friends, has been my theme song the last few weeks. Sometimes we are just put through the ringer. Not necessarily because God wants us to be, but because let's face it, we live in a fallen and sinful world. Am I right? There's good around don't get me wrong. God shows us amazing and beautiful things in the midst of all the yuck, no doubt about that. But it isn't always roses. Can I get an Amen? Any mature person realizes this. Real life isn't always pretty. And well, I have been put to the test these past few weeks. A very sick baby, a surprise pregnancy, a not so surprising seventh miscarriage, and a very long story of;  "You might still be pregnant. Oh wait, no your not." What a crazy, terrible few weeks this has been. And we still don't know if Hannah is okay. She has an ultrasound in the morning so ya'll please prayer for my sweet baby. One of her levels is back to normal but the other is still elevated. So they are doing further testing. (See a few posts down if you are lost on this story of Hannah's illness.) 

So basically I have been riding what seems to be an ENDLESS roller coaster ride. My emotions have literally been ALL over the map. I. Am. Tired. So very, very tired. It just takes it's toll after awhile you know? But in the midst of all this I have not pulled away from the Lord. I tend to pull away, or push away, with pregnancy loss. I always have so many questions for my God when I suffer a loss. I imagine any honest person would tell you they have been in that spot before. And after my second loss I was just out and out angry with God. The only time I can honestly say that I was just plain furious. I haven't felt that way since. And it was a journey that I had to walk with Him at the time. I am ever so thankful that I had the chance to really get down to the nitty gritty of my relationship with my Creator then. I grew a lot. And for the better. And with every loss I have found that there is always a lesson to be learned. I honestly and truly believe that God does not push all of this on me, this suffering. Like I said earlier it's a by product of living here, in the flesh, for now. But there truly, truly is joy in tribulation when I lean on Him. Even when I have my questions now, I should lean on Him. Even when I am confused, I should lean on Him. Even when I am so sad, I should lean on Him. And to be able to do that is a learning and growing process that the Lord has led me through. I have several verses I cling to in times like these:

Jeremiah 29:11 ~ "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord. "They are plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Romans 8:28 ~ And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 ~ All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. (verses 5- 7 are great too)

And oddly enough the verse that God is using in my heart right now is this one:

Hebrews 13:15 ~ Therefore, let us offer through Jesus a continual sacrifice of praise to God, proclaiming our allegiance to His name.

This verse isn't the typical verse I gravitate towards when grieving and what not. But I think I have grasped over the last 6 losses that God is my comfort, that He loves me and wants what is best for me always, that there will be good to come out of the bad, that I can find joy even in tribulation, that I can use these trials and the comfort I receive to help others in the same boat, etc. etc. These are all things that God has taught me through losses at different times. Some were easier lessons to learn than others. But thankfully I can see myself growing as I don't struggle with same things over and over again with each loss. And I see that as progress. And this time is no different. I do wonder why these losses seem to be continually on my head. But I have come to grips with the fact that I may never know the complete answer to that particular question until I am in Glory with all of my, now 7, Glory babies. So the lessons this time have once again been somewhat new ones for me. I will try to give you a brief run down of some things that the Lord has laid on my heart during this time of refinement:

1) I have found myself relying a lot on my husband to "make me feel better" in times of trial. Who doesn't right? And I am not saying that relying on him sometimes is a bad thing at all or that even using him as a shoulder to lean on at times is bad. It's a lot of what a husband should do. So don't get me wrong. But I think I often lean on him in ways that God never meant for me to. This is a little bit dramatic, because I don't see my husband as a god of course, but in a way I have been using him as somewhat of a replacement of God in my life. Especially during times when God should be my strong tower. Does that make any sense at all?? I just know that sometimes I think I bump God down a notch in favor of my flesh and blood husband. Crying out to him before ever taking my petitions before the Lord. This leaves my husband feeling exasperated and feeling helpless. Because ultimately the reaction I get from him isn't usually what I am expecting and it leaves ME feeling frustrated and exasperated. Confused yet? Sorry. My husband is wonderful, truly. (See anniversary post below.) But men react so differently to pregnancy loss than women do. It's hard when he does not "feel" it as deeply as me. Or at least for me to perceive that he is not. Men grieve differently, period. Read any research on the differences of men and women and you'll discover that. This is not something I can change. And when we are both grieving, albeit in our own unique ways, we can't always provide what the other needs 100%. So...it may seem a little like kindergarten stuff here, but I am learning to always keep the Lord in the number one slot. Even when I FEEL like pushing away from Him and clinging to my better half. Obviously my husband and I are better off when when we are focused on Christ first and foremost.

2) Like I said above, the verse from Hebrews is front and center right now and it's one of the biggest lessons that I am learning. That verse has literally been in my face several times through all of this. I read it and it spoke to me and then the Lord has just placed reminders of it's lesson everywhere for me! It's like the Casting Crowns song, "Praise You in the Storm." Most of us know that we tend to pray more in times of trouble. People make promises that they can't keep and bargains with the Lord in exchange for good outcomes, etc. I can't say that I have done either of those things really. I never make a promise I can't keep (Especially the big ones people make with God!) and bargains never really work out for the better it seems. But like a lot of people, tribulations do bring me closer to the Lord. I curl up at His feet more, lay my burdens in His lap more, cry out to Him more, dig into His word more, and pray a lot more. And He wants us to do that. He never intends for us to suffer alone. But what happens when it's life as usual again? Are we still curling up at His feet more frequently, digging into His word with the same fervor, seeking Him in prayer as much? I doubt it. I know I go through times where I take my blessings for granted and get too complacent. So with the verse in Hebrews I am being reminded that we should offer a CONTINUAL sacrifice of praise to the Almighty. He is worthy. In the good. In the bad. When we willfully give it to Him, when we don't feel like offering it up at all. (After all it is called a sacrifice of praise in this verse.) ALWAYS. CONTINUALLY. He. Is. Worthy. My lesson used to be more of praising Him in the sadness, etc. It still is at times. But right now the conviction is maintaining my closeness with Him even when I don't feel the "need" to be comforted, etc. ALWAYS, no matter the circumstances. Storm, sun, etc. Is that confusing too? I hope not.

There are other lessons I am in the midst of learning right now. But, seriously, this post is a novel already. I just felt the need to get this all out there some how. And I felt like maybe putting it here would help someone else as they are dealing with a trial of some sort. I mean we all go through them right? But since this is so long already I'll close for now with a great video/song by Tenth Avenue North called "By My Side." It's an amazing song that I loved before all of this yucky mess of the last three weeks happened, but has really been a comfort to me as we have been through this most recent of refining fires. So take a look/listen and let the lyrics sink in. What an amazing God we serve! (Don't forget to pause the page's music before pushing play.)